The Ubiquitous Reason Revealed

Chances are you’ve either heard someone say it or let the words fly across your own lips: “You know, things happen for a reason.”

Ever notice how no one ever follows that statement up with any sort of an explanation? They just leave it hanging there, for you to figure out.

Yeah, cause if you were good at that, you wouldn’t have needed the reminder about things and reason.

So, I’m here to give you a quick guide to the ubiquitous reason, an easy way to identify a situation that seems similar to yours, and thus understand the underlying metaphysical rationale. And, since nothing beats an empty platitude like another empty platitude, I’ve summarized each reason as a well-worn cliche.

– Your car stops dead in the middle of a busy intersection and gets t-boned by a rusted-out pick up truck hauling skunk pelts on the same day that your boss tells you that you’ve been reassigned to the Aghanistan branch of Victoria’s Secret.

Reason: You should always wear clean underwear.

– Your son announces at the family Thanksgiving dinner that he’s opted to forgo his full academic scholarship to Harvard in order to study at the feet of Maharitshu-Dinesh Am-Alshira, a Tibetan Imam who specializes in interpretive dancing to the music of George Harrison.

Reason: Let it be.

– Your former college roommate wins the lottery and announces on television that he had once promised you half of his winnings should he ever hit it big, then proceeds to moon the camera while laughing out, “Yeah, right, dude!”

Reason: Money isn’t everything.

– You send money to an overseas charity that sponsors needy children, enough to fund the daily feeding, clothing and education of thirteen kids, only to discover that the charity is actually a front for a Bernie Maddoff fan club.

Reason: It’s the thought that counts.

– Your best friend finally realizes his dream of selling the house, moving to the Cayman Islands, opening that little diving shop he’s always talked about on the same day your 401(k) is seized by the Federal government as part of a Ponzi scheme.

Reason: You can’t always get what you want.

– You sneeze the moment that your plastic surgeon pushes the plunger on your first-ever Botox injection, causing the doc to accidentally hit a nerve that freezes your face exactly as it looks during the apex of your sneeze.

Reason: Beauty’s only skin deep.

– After battling years of voter apathy, you finally decide to participate fully in the democratic process by vetting each local, state and national candidate, attending political rallies, town halls and Q&As, reading up on the most pressing issues facing your community and our nation and confidently stride into the polls to pull the lever that represents the Vox Populi only to discover that your parents incorrectly filled out your birth certificate, which means you were never legally born, resulting in your sudden arrest and deportation for technically being an illegal immigrant.

Reason: Life’s not fair.

– And finally, after hours at work where you poured over endless expense reports, memos, and an email inbox that simply wouldn’t quit announcing “You’ve got mail!”, your 30 minute commute turns into an hour and a half because your car overheats, your cell phone dies, and your rear left tire suddenly goes flat, leaving you at the mercy of a stranger in a rusted tow truck with a bumper sticker that reads “I BRAKE FOR EASY TARGETS”and who takes your wallet at gunpoint after dropping you off in the worst section of town, which means you have to walk home, beat on the door until your spouse comes to get you, and then, as you bypass the family meal in favor for some alone time in the tub while you troll the internet and find this blog post, which you read from top to bottom.

Reason: 42.

Here endeth the absurdity.

That’s all, folks!

You’re Not As Weird As You Think

You’re not as weird as you think you are.

How do I know this? Simple statistics.

  • 84% of people like the smell of their feet.
  • 23% of people eat their own boogers.
  • 36% of people consistently misspell the word “misspell.”
  • 1 out of every 3 Americans has a stopwatch that doesn’t work.
  • At least 100 people pass gas in public every hour.
  • Lady Gaga.
  • Right now, the person next to you is probably feeling silly.
  • Muppets, Smurfs, and Snorks all came from someone’s imagination.
  • 58% of all women think about shoes at least once an hour.
  • 1% of men do.
  • There has been a 300% increase in the amount of email traffic directed towards Santa by adults.
  • 17.3% of all high school students have a plan for life after college.
  • 12.6% of all married adults remember their anniversary.
  • 93.9% of those who remember are female.
  • 100% of these statistics are made up.

See? Now don’t you feel better?

The Occasional, Nonsensical Post

Haven’t posted in a while. Figured I should probably write something. But what?

There’s so many different ideas that can flow through a person’s head on any given day, things that are funny and hilarious and probably should be written down before they’re forgotten, but all too often we just let those things slip away like a sunset we didn’t quite pay attention to. One minute it’s there, the next, we’re wondering what happened.

So much of life is like that – special for a moment, then gone. We do our best just to capture those few moments we do recognize. And in the end, we cherish them precisely because they are so rare, so unique. I suppose if we could capture each one, then none would stand out. It’s like when I take too many pictures of my kids – eventually, they all look the same. But when I only snap a couple, when I train the camera on those one or two moments that seem special, I find that they are special. It’s weird.

I doubt any of this is making sense – honestly, it’s just a rambling post while my wife watches The Vampire Diaries. But who knows – maybe it will be special.

Or maybe it will just be forgotten.

Who knows?

The Lonely Life (or The Post of 1,000 Tags)

It’s a lonely life in my head. I spend a lot of time thinking, mostly about things, but often enough about stuff that one might affectionately call nothing. Effluvia. Flotsam. Jetsam. Trash. Junk. For example:

Why does the hotel in which I’m currently staying not have a third or thirteenth floor?

Why do people preen in front a mirror, regardless of where they encounter it?

On a scale from 1 t0 10, how embarrassing is it to pass gas on an elevator one floor before another person gets on?

Why can you only hear freight train whistles in the dead of night?

Is America really the land of opportunity, or is that just one heck of a marketing slogan designed to trap desperate people?

What the heck is fair trade coffee, and why are we more worried about that than about lowering the homeless population in the U.S.?

Come to think of it, why will so many people gladly pay $6.00 for a fricking latte, but won’t sponsor a needy child overseas?

How do some people stay motivated in the face of failure?

How do some people live with the knowledge that their biggest dream is likely to never come true?

Can someone satisfactorily explain the following in three words or less: Snooki, Lady Gaga, Channing Tatum, Will Arnett?

If you don’t believe in God, Dr. Dawkins, then why are you so pissed off at Him?

There are good people who live their entire lives without getting a single nice thing written about them somewhere that someone else is likely to read it.

If the hotel is so nice, why do the pillows smell like someone spent a solid hour farting into them?

Insomnia: discuss.

What’s funny?

I think suede is leather that dropped out of school.

Are Apple computers really that much better than PCs, or am I just a schmuck for thinking that?

If so many people think what I write is funny and/or good, why doesn’t someone offer to publish me? Or any of the writers that I know who are really good?

The P.E.T.A. founder is certifiably insane. If you don’t believe me, read some of the provisions in her will.

Why is it that whenever I watch my favorite sports team play they inevitably lose, and when I don’t watch them they inevitably win? Are they trying to tell me something?

George Carlin would have made an outstanding college English professor.

What is luck and why do some people seem to hoard it?

Why do some bottled waters have nutritional information printed on the label? It’s water.

Sometimes the most heroic act in life involves little more than just waking up, taking a deep breath, and getting out of bed.

Single parents, regardless of how they came to be that way, deserve one heck of a lot of respect.

I’ll be completely against gay marriage when Christians who protest against it quit accepting divorce so casually. If marriage is a sacred bond between man and woman, then that bond should last longer than a rerun of Star Trek. Right now, marriage is about as sacred to most Christians as jury duty.

At 12:00 in the morning, I wonder if the only reason alcohol is legal and pot is not is because no one has figured out a successful business model that won’t hack off the drug cartels. I’m completely against legalized pot, but I guarantee you the minute they figure out a way to make hella-profit off of it, Uncle Sam will pass that law.

I’m 35 pages into Infinite Jest (out of 1,079 – and that includes the footnotes), I have no idea what the heck is going on, and yet I’m still loving every minute.

When did we stop caring about other human beings and start caring only for the bottom line? Not just financially, but in everything?

Joan Rivers isn’t funny.

Neither is Adam Sandler.

And yet both continue to make good money being not funny.

Are newspapers dead or are they merely acting like it?

When’s the last time you heard someone say “hornswoggled” in casual conversation? How about “bumfuzzled”? Or “dadblameit”?

Raise your hand if you know what the Southernism “flitter” is a synonym for.

Why will a cat lick itself but then turn away food from a can? It can’t be a matter of taste, can it?

Speaking of matters of taste, why do some people love cheese that, if it were any other food product, should be thrown away for spoiling?

What person in charge of fashion decided that small girls under the age of 15 have to wear clothes that look like Jodie Foster’s old costumes from Taxi Driver? And if we discover who this person is, can we shoot them?

If you pray and pray and pray and pray, but God doesn’t answer, does that mean yes or no or maybe or wait or all of the above?

It’s time for bed. There’s more thinking to be done tomorrow.