Dear Grand Old Party –
I just wanted to take a moment to suggest a strategy for you as you head into your convention in a couple of weeks. I know that Donald Trump has long been the presumptive nominee, swept into his high estate by a large number of people who are either very, very angry or very, very misguided. Or perhaps both. Whatever.
Point is, you need to find a way to dump Trump as soon as you convene the convention.
I’m sure some brilliant strategist has already formulated a plan for just such a thing, but what I’m not so sure about is your wherewithal as a party to actually pull the trigger. You see, I’ve been watching some of your big names swallow the vomit in their mouths as they endorse Trump, and it makes me kind of nervous. Y’all seem to be giving in to the Trumpers, and that bothers me.
Maybe it’s because you’re proving to have zero backbone (an accusation leveled against you by Trump’s supporters). Maybe it’s because you set policy by looking at a weather vane (another accusation brought Trump supporters). Or maybe it’s because you don’t have the first clue what it means to be conservative anymore, unless putting on old YouTube clips of Reagan and crying softly into your Gordon Gekko mugs counts.
Regardless, I don’t have faith in your ability to do the right thing. Instead, I’m pretty sure you’re just going to keep swallowing whatever pride you have left and wave Trump signs as if you’re happy about it. And you’ll probably double-down on the stupid by allowing him to appoint someone on the Palin spectrum as his running mate.
And when you do that, you’ll kiss the greatest opportunity you’ve ever had good bye.
How in the world did you guys manage to screw this election up so badly? Obama’s armor has not only lost its shine, people can see the dents and cracks. The Democratic Party is in its own uproar because Bernie Sanders tapped into a zeitgeist of youth that no one else thought to court. And Hillary Clinton, the once impervious queen, has sprouted more leaks than an NFL front office during free agency.
I mean seriously — the FBI, though not willing to recommend prosecution, basically spelled out the myriad ways she lied about her email accounts and dared the American people to hang her high in the court of public opinion and/or the ballot box.
And what does your presumptive candidate do? Yabber on about his kids and his golf game.
So let me help you. A quick plan to get a #GOP candidate into office:
- Move up the convention to an earlier date. Like tomorrow. Cleveland just won a basketball championship, so I’m sure they’re in a good mood.
- Don’t tell Trump or his supporters you’ve moved the date. But tell everyone else.
- Inform any delegate that shows up they are free to vote however the hell he or she feels like.
- No matter how the vote goes, tell people Trump lost and you’ve gotta find someone new.
- Now go find someone who isn’t Donald Trump, who – incase you’ve not noticed – is the EXACT SAME AS HILLARY CLINTON. Instead, find someone with character, morals, conviction, and the ability to stand in one place for more than 15 seconds without making a duckface.
- Also, it would help if that person hasn’t been through bankruptcy, sued over soured business deals, or been accused of unethical business practices.
- And if they could also not be sexist or racist, that’d be nifty too.
- Now, make that person the nominee. Tell the Trump folks to go pound sand. Or at least re-rake the sand in the traps at their local golf club. Same thing.
- Pump money into ads touting this new candidate. Dip into your kids’ piggy banks if you have to (y’all are good at that), just make sure you get the word out about New Candidate X.
- Have New Candidate X go on the offensive by pointing out how untrustworthy and shady Hillary Clinton is. Point out the details of the FBI’s email probe. Highlight phrases like “extremely careless” and connect them to the larger picture of Hillary as someone who views the presidency as a birthright to be claimed instead of a position to be earned.
- Make sure New Candidate X does something memorable and weird, like actually give a crap about the people he or she is supposed to represent. Then do something weird yourselves, like abandon ideologically driven policies in favor of doing things that benefit all Americans.
- Repeat until November. Then sit back and hope that people actually still believe that their political overlords — uh, leaders — care enough about them to course correct and give them someone worthy of their vote.
I’ll be honest. I’m offering you this advice with the full understanding that you won’t get my vote. Neither will the Democrats. I’m going to take a break from y’all and give my vote to either Gary Johnson and the Libertarian Party, or else I’m going to exercise my voice and write in a candidate I think would actually serve this nation and its people well. Someone like Captain America. Or the guy who plays him, Chris Evans.
But of the two parties, you seem like the one most desperate for ideas. So I’m giving you this plan for free. Won’t cost you a dime. But you won’t take it because 1) all of three people read this blog, so you’ll never hear of it; and 2) you’re too stubborn, too set in your ways, too politically married to the polemics you’ve employed for the past 16 years to actually care about doing something that might actually win people over.
I guess in closing, I’d just say that you’ve got at minimum four years to get your act together. To find principles. To search for true leaders. To reclaim your soul from the ash heap.
If you don’t, then you’re likely to get another four years to get your crap together.