Questions I’d Ask During Tonight’s Debate

There’s a presidential debate tonight, in case you didn’t know (which, if you didn’t, what’s it like to live in a world devoid of phones, TV, computers, electricity, and angst? And what, exactly, does it mean to be Amish?). It will be America’s first time to see the two men vying to lead our great nation go head-to-head on domestic policy issues: the economy, healthcare, the role of government, and governing. In the grand tradition of presidential debates, someone is certain to come off like a doofus.

I’m sure that the estimable Jim Lehrer, he who moderates all serious debates, will have done plenty of prep work concerning the questions the candidates will answer. And I’m also sure that both candidates will do their best to try and get some digs in on their opponent, while saying that sound substantive but lack flavor (think of rice cakes; now imagine them as words coming from a person’s mouth). Given both of those things, it’s sure to be a fairly standard debate.

But I don’t want standard. I think we should spice it up. I think we need to throw in questions that no person in their right mind would ask a potential president, questions that cut to the soul of a man and reveal his true mettle.

If I were Jim Lehrer, here’s some questions I’d like answered during tonight’s debate:

  • A man lies dead, in a room with no windows and doors. His shirt is wet and bloody. He has been obviously stabbed in the chest, only there are no weapons found in the room. How would you make this the fault of your opponent?
  • I’m going to say a word, and I’d like you to give me a five minute, extemporaneous speech based on that word. The word is: lock-box.
  • Why do the Oreoes people insist on misspelling the word “Stuft”?
  • Iran is on the verge of nuclear capability. Israel is going to nuke the snot out of them before they can activate the bomb. On a scale from 1 to 10, tell me how scared you are of each country, and then tell me where I can find a good Kosher deli in Denver.
  • Is has been asserted that you, Mr. Romney, are out of touch with the average American because of your wealth. Mr. Obama, in the office of the president you receive a nice salary, a free house, free travel, free security, free food, free TV coverage, and a bullet-proof office. So, what else do you and Mr. Romney have in common?
  • Given what I just said about the presidency, Mr. Romney, how will you handle a downgrade in your living conditions?
  • I’m going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes to your mind: strategery.
  • Have you ever drank Tab?
  • Who’s a better James Bond: Sean Connery or Daniel Craig?
  • You have made many promises during this election cycle. If I were to ask your wife how many promises you’ve broken to her, what would her answer be, and which broken promise hurt her the most?
  • If you’re elected, would you ever be tempted to just wear gym shorts and a faded Batman t-shirt into the office on a random Monday?
  • Your favorite Beatles song. Go.
  • Which would you rather eat: fried green tomatoes or boiled okra?
  • If you accidentally passed gas during a State of the Union address, would you A) pretend nothing happened; B) blame your Vice-President; C) own up to it by making it into a joke; or D) do whatever the recent polls told you to do.
  • What is your favorite Interweb meme?
  • Given your access to classified information, if you’re elected president would you finally reveal to the American people which individual or group was responsible for letting the dogs out?
  • And finally, gentlemen: if you lose the election in November, will you consider the abuse, speculation, animosity, divisiveness, hatred, screed, and rigmarole heaped upon you, your families and your campaign workers worth it?

Let’s see Jim Lehrer top that.

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