The Ubiquitous Reason Revealed

Chances are you’ve either heard someone say it or let the words fly across your own lips: “You know, things happen for a reason.”

Ever notice how no one ever follows that statement up with any sort of an explanation? They just leave it hanging there, for you to figure out.

Yeah, cause if you were good at that, you wouldn’t have needed the reminder about things and reason.

So, I’m here to give you a quick guide to the ubiquitous reason, an easy way to identify a situation that seems similar to yours, and thus understand the underlying metaphysical rationale. And, since nothing beats an empty platitude like another empty platitude, I’ve summarized each reason as a well-worn cliche.

– Your car stops dead in the middle of a busy intersection and gets t-boned by a rusted-out pick up truck hauling skunk pelts on the same day that your boss tells you that you’ve been reassigned to the Aghanistan branch of Victoria’s Secret.

Reason: You should always wear clean underwear.

– Your son announces at the family Thanksgiving dinner that he’s opted to forgo his full academic scholarship to Harvard in order to study at the feet of Maharitshu-Dinesh Am-Alshira, a Tibetan Imam who specializes in interpretive dancing to the music of George Harrison.

Reason: Let it be.

– Your former college roommate wins the lottery and announces on television that he had once promised you half of his winnings should he ever hit it big, then proceeds to moon the camera while laughing out, “Yeah, right, dude!”

Reason: Money isn’t everything.

– You send money to an overseas charity that sponsors needy children, enough to fund the daily feeding, clothing and education of thirteen kids, only to discover that the charity is actually a front for a Bernie Maddoff fan club.

Reason: It’s the thought that counts.

– Your best friend finally realizes his dream of selling the house, moving to the Cayman Islands, opening that little diving shop he’s always talked about on the same day your 401(k) is seized by the Federal government as part of a Ponzi scheme.

Reason: You can’t always get what you want.

– You sneeze the moment that your plastic surgeon pushes the plunger on your first-ever Botox injection, causing the doc to accidentally hit a nerve that freezes your face exactly as it looks during the apex of your sneeze.

Reason: Beauty’s only skin deep.

– After battling years of voter apathy, you finally decide to participate fully in the democratic process by vetting each local, state and national candidate, attending political rallies, town halls and Q&As, reading up on the most pressing issues facing your community and our nation and confidently stride into the polls to pull the lever that represents the Vox Populi only to discover that your parents incorrectly filled out your birth certificate, which means you were never legally born, resulting in your sudden arrest and deportation for technically being an illegal immigrant.

Reason: Life’s not fair.

– And finally, after hours at work where you poured over endless expense reports, memos, and an email inbox that simply wouldn’t quit announcing “You’ve got mail!”, your 30 minute commute turns into an hour and a half because your car overheats, your cell phone dies, and your rear left tire suddenly goes flat, leaving you at the mercy of a stranger in a rusted tow truck with a bumper sticker that reads “I BRAKE FOR EASY TARGETS”and who takes your wallet at gunpoint after dropping you off in the worst section of town, which means you have to walk home, beat on the door until your spouse comes to get you, and then, as you bypass the family meal in favor for some alone time in the tub while you troll the internet and find this blog post, which you read from top to bottom.

Reason: 42.

Here endeth the absurdity.

That’s all, folks!

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