I was listening to the weather this morning, and the meteorologist (such a funny term; I remember when they were just “weather people”) gave the following forecast:
“It’s going to be hot today.”
That was the entire forecast. No temperatures given, no mention of cumulonimbus clouds or fast-moving fronts about to collide with stagnant systems. Heck, not even a friendly reminder to be careful in the heat. Just, “It’s going to be hot today.”
Gee, thanks. It’s June in Georgia – I wasn’t expecting heat at all.
I could go on with some sarcastic banter about the weather person’s lack of meteorological insight, but what’s the point? It wouldn’t accomplish much, and besides – we all know that the weather people in Georgia are either histrionic with their forecasts (such as when there’s snow or tornados) or they’re so dull you can’t remember if they forecast the weather or just commented on it the way your grandmother does when there’s nothing else to talk about.
So rather than rip on people, I thought I would offer some fun things for you to do to help you beat the heat over the next few weeks. All of these suggestions are local (though NONE ARE SERIOUS), so feel free to take advantage of them (just don’t expect me to post your bail).
– Pay for a car wash, and then walk through it.
– Watch for when the nearest government building runs their sprinkler system, and then frolick in the spray in your swimsuit.
– Play hide-n-go-seek in the freezers at Publix.
– Stop by Brusters and ask how much ice cream it would take to fill a standard bathtub. If you can afford that much, buy it and head home to your tub. If not, ask to try some Chocolate Cake Batter Ice Cream. You won’t be disappointed.
– Go to a town council meeting and take a hostage. You’ll get at least one hour of air conditioning, and the jail probably has air too. Which is good, because you’ll be spending a lot of time there.
– Pay your children to fan you with newspapers or pine tree limbs. If you can’t afford that, just order them to do it. You know, ’cause you’re the boss.
– Figure out how the opposite side of the pillow always stays cool, and then apply that principle of physics to your clothes. Remember to patent the procedure.
– Empty out your refrigerator and squeeze yourself inside. Beware the butter tray – it bites.
– Take your kids to the local pool. (Like that’ll happen…)
– Take a tip from the neighborhood stray and find a nice, cool pickup truck on cement blocks. Then, take a nap under it. Be sure to settle under the oil pan so some drippings can get on your back.
– Go see a movie at the dollar theater. Before the movie starts, find a nice quiet spot to lay down. Sleep there until they kick you out or someone drops JuJuBees in your mouth.
– Hop a tramp steamer to Antartica. That is, if they still have tramp steamers.
– Cut off your cell phone, home phone, internet, cable, water, gas, car insurance, and home insurance and put the savings into a money market account. Then, set the thermostat for 61 degrees. With all of the money you tucked away, you should be able to pay the power company for at least 45 good minutes of nice cool temps in your house.