My wife and I have a friend who just joined our gym today. I hope she survives. To help her, and any of you fine folks out there who are either considering joining or have recently joined a gym, here are a few hints:
1. If the man next to you flexes after each set, he’s most likely a narcissist.
2. If he flexes after each of your sets, he’s most likely on parole.
3. Anyone wearing coaching shorts should be actively avoided while they do any seated exercise, unless you want certain images burned into the backs of your retinas for eternity.
4. Women who do two reps at 10 pounds, then pant excessively while leaning against equipment where ripped young men are working out, are probably not there to work on their anaerobic fitness.
5. Young men who kiss their biceps after lifting large dumb bells do not have large dumb bells themselves, if you catch my drift. If you don’t, go look up the side effects of steroids in men.
6. Remember this tip: 10 minutes of cardio to warm up, 30 minutes of weights, and then 30 minutes of cardio to close will help you not only burn fat faster but die an early and unnecessary death as well.
7. If you can read while on a treadmill, chances are you won’t have to worry about a shower when you’re done.
8. Men make strange noises when lifting massive amounts of weights. Women make stranger ones.
9. The mirrors on the wall are there to help you with correct form, not encourage you in some way.
10. If you still want to join a gym after reading this, then relax – you’re hard core enough to reach your fitness goals in no time. Just don’t stand next to men who have fur on their shoulders and/or back and you’ll do fine.