Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions for Parents

With New Year’s Eve only a day away, every blog, website and newspaper seems to be running at least one version of the Top Ten Resolutions for 2011. Whether for vegans, left-handers, idle soap carvers or regular folk like multi-millionaire C.E.O.’s who took millions in hard earned bonus money during the economic downturn, these lists are meant to inspire us to settle down with a good cup of java and wrap our minds around what we want to accomplish in the coming year.

Of course, the traditional starting point for this rumination is usually a review of all we failed to accomplish in the year past, but let’s not dwell on the negative. Resolutions are about positive change, improvement, and becoming a better you!

Unfortunately they are also usually about setting impossible to achieve goals, daydreaming, and creating a new set of stressors for your already stressed life. But again, let’s not dwell on the negative.

So in an effort to help all of you parents out there, who I know are busy worrying about more important things, like how to get chewing gum out of your coffee pot, I’ve put together a quick list of the Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions for Parents. This is a generic cover all that you can simply cut and paste into your own blog and pass off as your own, or print out and tape to the refrigerator door. It will save you both time and stress (which are always connected), thus allowing you to worry about things like time and stress. And if you have a resolution you’d like to add, feel free to slip it into the comment section below.

Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions for Parents:

  1. I will not talk about my child incessantly, unless it’s to my parents, grandparents, in-laws, neighbors, co-workers, mail carrier, garbage technician, auto mechanic, proctologist, therapist, Zumba classmates or the other people standing on line at the grocery store.
  2. I will not dress like a cross between a 90′s era grunge rocker, a hobo, and Snooki, unless I’m running late or one of the kids has a fever or I don’t feel pretty or I haven’t gotten around to doing laundry for myself because the kids’ laundry keeps piling up higher than Kilamanjaro.
  3. I will feed my child only healthy food for meals and snacks, unless it’s the end of the month and there’s no money left for anything even remotely healthy or the kid has been crying for 57 straight minutes for a cookie and my sanity depends on doing whatever it takes to get the child to just shut up.
  4. I will make sure that my child gets plenty of exercise and time outside, unless it rains for 203 consecutive days or it’s under 55 or over 67.2 degrees outside or the kid is about to solve the third level of Mario Brother’s Revenge of the Roto-Rooter Man or my nails haven’t dried or I pulled a groin muscle the last time I tried anything remotely physically challenging with my kid, such as trying to walk.
  5. I will consitently work with my child on improving reading, math and other educational skills, unless the Leapster dies. Then, to hell with it.
  6. I will make time for my partner and I to go out on a date regularly, unless we can’t afford it or she doesn’t feel like going because she felt like she looked fat in her jeans or he forgets that we made a date and joins his buddies for poker night or both kids simultaneously come down with one of those virus combos that make green liquid spew from each end.
  7. I will plan an affordable vacation for the entire family, which means that we’ll drive over to my in-laws house on “Lake” Watchadrainageditch and spend two nights fighting with them to stop feeding the kids so much damn sugar which will result in a huge fight between my partner and I and will ultimately end with us loading the car in a huff and driving home in complete silence because we’re too mad to talk and the kids are too afraid of being dropped on the side of the road if they so much as fart.
  8. I will be better about taking pictures and videoing significant moments in my child’s life, which means I’ll have to lug both camera bags, the diaper bag, my toddler’s backpack, my preschooler’s toy bag, and my purse to every single thing that we do on the off-chance that one of my kids might say or do something even remotely cute and then I’ll have to spend hours at the computer trying to get the pictures and/or video downloaded and edited and produced into a DVD that I can give to my friends and family, most of whom will then use said DVD as a coaster.
  9. I will work on improving my child’s exposure to other cultures, which will entail me taking him to the QT with me at lunchtime, bringing him with me to the dry cleaners, and having him escort me shopping at the Loganville Walmart.
  10. And finally, I will not beat myself up about how I parent, because after all, my kid thinks I’m pretty great.

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